Last weekend our church hosted a Family Conference with Tom Harmon. ¬†The sessions were Scripture-saturated and loaded with personal application. ¬†During one of these sessions, Tom shared with us a “checklist” of sorts that his son developed when considering what kind of woman God would want him to marry. ¬†Later, Tom’s daughter(s) came up with a similar list for a husband. ¬†So this is the list that Tom handed to me during the service that is a “composite” of the character qualities his kids wanted in their spouses. ¬†Most of these characteristics are not gender-specific. Nevertheless, because there are a few distinctions, I have gone ahead and put these qualifications into two different lists.
- She is not only saved but truly loves the Lord and is committed to Him and His Word (Mark 12:30).
- She is morally pure and lives a life of high moral standards.  She is a woman of character (1 Thess. 4:3-7).
- She lives in harmony with authority, i.e. parents, church, government (Eph. 6:1-2; 1 Peter 2:13-19).
- She accepts herself as best evidenced by a meek and quiet spirit. ¬†She doesn’t make physical things her focus – clothes, makeup, etc. (1 Peter 3:1-6). ¬†
- She loves her parents, especially her dad.  If her parents are divorced or she has been wronged deeply, she forgives and honors them (Eph. 6:1-3).  
- She has a purpose in life that includes a high priority on being a wife and mother and homemaker (Titus 2:4-5).
- She is fun and light-hearted, and yet can be serious when the occasion calls for it (Prov. 17:22; Titus 2:4).
- He is not only saved but he truly loves the Lord and is committed to Him and His Word (Mark 12:30).
- He is morally pure and lives a life of high moral standards.  He is a man of character (1 Thess. 4:3-7).
- He lives in harmony with authority, i.e. parents, church, government (Eph. 6:1-2; 1 Pet. 2:13-19).
- He accepts himself as best evidenced by a humble and contrite heart.  He is temperate and not given to anger (Matt. 11:29; Prov. 22:24; James 1:19).
- He loves his parents, especially his mother.  If his parents are divorced or he has been wronged deeply, he forgives and honors them (Eph. 6:1-3).
- He has purpose in life that includes a high priority on spiritual leadership.  He loves children (Eph. 5:24-29; Eph. 6:4).
- He is honest and self-denying. He cares deeply about the feelings of those he is responsible for (Luke 9:23).
These are helpful lists indeed, but keep in mind that they are not comprehensive. ¬†Further, we must realize that “the best of men are men at best” (the same is true of women). ¬†The godliest of spouses will fail to be all that they should be, could be, and want to be. ¬†As James says, “We all stumble in many ways” (3:2). ¬†One of the best books on marriage I’ve come by in a long time is entitled When Sinners Say ‘I Do.’ ¬†That’s a great title, because it’s true! ¬†Both husband and wife are sinners; they’re only hope for life and marriage is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. ¬†So for marital fulfillment, our trust is in Christ, not a checklist.
Dear Pastor Matt:
On November 13th and 14th, Dr. Dobson had two counselors that I thought hit the nail on the head in marriage relationships. You can order the CD of the two shows or download it off of Dobson’s website. There is also a book on “Safe Haven Marriage Building – Relationship You Want To Come Home To” that these people have written if anyone is interested in checking into it. I have to say, I like what “Family Life” does for marriages, but these people really have something to offer that that I think would help many a marriage out. Each of us coming into marriage is coming from a different place, so that is why I liked what this couple had to say.
Mary Elloyan